Through the Haze is a poem I wrote a very long time ago. I wrote it during a time when my life had been turned upside down and nothing was comfortable or clear or certain. It is an uncomfortable poem from a troubled time.
I am full grown, an adult.
I had a childhood once.
It is lost and I cannot find it.
I search for a memory to cherish and find
Curtains of fear and pain
And I don't know why.
The fear rises up
The curtains become walls of iron,
But I must know.
Fearful, hopeful, I tear a curtain down,
And only get a glimpse, a fragment,
More curtains, fear, and pain.
The fear rises up.
Do I really want to know
What is on the other side?
Terrified, I yank a curtain down.
Too much, too soon.
The curtains harden.
Black walls with sharp edges.
Do they hold me out
Or hold me in?
I cry with frustration, fear, and pain.
My tears soften the walls
And I face the curtains again.
Because I must.
I am very fortunate. Caring therapists and friends and family helped me through that dark time. It took some time and a lot of soul searching. But I came out of that dark place. I can visit the things I wrote then without becoming overwhelmed.
If you’re in a place where frustrations, fear, or pain overwhelm you, I urge you to seek help. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength. Your strength. Your resolve. Use the tools in your mental health first aid kit.
It is possible to get past those feelings. You can get through the haze of whatever you’re experiencing. You are strong enough. You are enough. Get help. Call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.